Never Alone

Infertility is a hard thing to talk about. It makes you feel very isolated and alone. It can make you withdraw from your spouse. It can change you. It's hard for others to understand.

For me it was a very dark period in my life. I felt alone. I felt so different from everyone else. I even remember going up to the bible study leaders and asking "isn't there anyone like me that you could put me with?" I grew tired and exhausted of being with mothers and grandmothers. They shared their joy of their children while I was jealous and felt empty. Seven years of waiting. Seven years of questioning why God would give me this strong desire to want children.  I spent many dark evenings laying in bed and crying.

I think God wanted to maybe test my true desire for wanting children. He tested my resolve and willingness to continue longing for children and calling out to him. He blessed me with three beautiful foster children. Maybe He wanted to show me that I was strong enough, because this foster care stuff is very difficult. It's painful. I can see why some people give up. But I love these children. Even though my heart is raw with emotion, I hold on because of that deep desire of wanting them and of loving them.

In my infertility "pains", I also know that my God stands with me during my foster care "pains". I am never alone. He is with me. He hears me calling out to Him. I need to be trusting God with my obstacles and "pains". Cause I know I am never alone.