The Expected - Unexpected

"Life sometimes delivers the unexpected. Lessons learned in the school of hard knocks bruise us, dent us and remove the label that defines who we are. We feel as if we have been tossed into a bin, no longer worthy of a place on the shelf. Some people substantiate the lie that we are second class failures and all hope is gone."  (from http://devotions.proverbs31.org/2011/10/damaged-goods-2.html)

 Yesterday was one of those days that just knocked me to the ground. I received some unsettling news. You see, for just about a year now, I've been told that certain paperwork would be filled out for these kiddos. So that a permanency might occur. First I was told that it was going to be filled in October 2010. Then in late December/early January. Then I heard maybe March. Finally, I was told that it was done and submitted in late May. To me, it felt like the next step in our becoming parents. Since May, we had a change of case workers. I've heard stories from other foster parents about how things can get lost and balls come crashing to the ground when a change like this occurs. So being proactive, and a control freak like I am, I asked in August for someone to maybe follow up on the status of this paperwork. Basically, I wanted reassurance that it wasn't lost and we were simply waiting. Really, I can wait. That part isn't no big deal. I've waited how many years already?  Seven years to have children in my home and now another two has passed and they are not legally mine.  So nearly a decade of waiting. Doesn't that show that I can wait already???

Well, because I asked the question, I feel that I've been painted as that "over eager to adopt foster parent". With a new caseworker, a renewed effort to try and engage the birth mother becomes apparent. Another chance of trying to reestablish all those services that have already failed once before. It's a lot like a "do over" or a "well, maybe she'll work with me better cause I'm a different person". I get that, I really do. Exhaust all of the opportunities cause these kiddos need to know that at the end of the day, EVERYTHING was done to help their mother. I feel like those caseworkers/supervisors failed to recognize that the system is broken. I'm only asking because I have already experienced how the system is broken. Can we just stop pretending that it isn't broken already?

Well, yesterday came the news that I somehow had expected and yet wasn't prepared for. That paperwork... it was lost. No one knows what happened to it. The new and less experienced caseworker now has to redo everything. It's frustrating because he doesn't know the intimate details of everything like our previous worker. When he was testifying last month in court I counted about a half dozen inaccurate statements alone. Now I have to rely on the Lord more to make sure that moving forward that things will be done correctly. It's hard for me when I was dragged into a meeting telling me that I need more trust in a system when it was an epic failure. How do we move along four months all assuming that something was done and then cannot find the work? Everything is now four more months behind... and remember... I was originally told this would be completed a year ago. 

Needless to say, I'm trying to hold my emotions in. I'm trying to process all of this. I'm trying to not get overly frustrated and irritated. Life delivered me the unexpected, yet it was partially expected. I've been bruised by the labels and attitudes that I've been treated with, simply because I raised some level of concern. I feel let down and disappointed that God allowed this to fall apart. I've been trusting Him to have control of this when I know that the system is a failure. I'm crying out to Him because I do not understand. Seven years of waiting Lord. Seven years I have been barren! I cried out to Him because I did not understand this desire to have children and not being able to have my own children. Now two more years have passed and I am crying out for justice. Justice for these children. Justice for people in the system to take responsibility for their failure to act.  I do not want to be labeled by a system who cannot manage to do their work correctly. I don't want to be labeled by people who have no idea what it is like to wait for nearly a decade for a dream. I feel so close to that dream. I feel the dream, I can live the dream. It is still just a dream and not my reality. I do not want to lose all hope.