The Masks We Wear

"Since God has so generously let us in on what He is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:1-2 (MSG)

Ouch!  Can I say convicted? How often do I want to hide behind a mask?  How often do I try to maneuver and manipulate things behind the scenes? Ouch!

I often hide behind a mask that shows the outside world a smile. I show my kiddos a happy mommy when I'm really falling apart inside. I don't talk to my husband about my true feelings because I get afraid that he will judge me. I keep moving on and just busy myself with PTO, the children's activities and chores/errands that I hope people won't see through it all. I don't want them to see the pain and uncertainty that I have inside of me. It's hard for me to think about the future when the future is so uncertain. Will we have these kiddos, will we end up with different kiddos? Although my husband and peep try in vain to ensure me that the kiddos won't go anywhere, the stories of when children do go home (even if it's not for their best interest) echo in my mind.

This weekend's sermon was about "Water on the Knee".  Which really meant that the sermon was about things in our life that shouldn't be there - obstacles. Foster care is one huge obstacle. Between the caseworker that I'm trying my hardest to understand, communicate with and even trust, plus the weighing the hearts and joy of the children whom I love... It's a big hot mess. Sorting it out and trying to make sense of it, is really like trying to solve a 1,000 piece puzzle with a few dozen or so pieces missing. You might recognize the picture, but it's so distorted that it won't look like the box.

I'm trying to accept this obstacle. I know that it will take a mighty God to help me through this. The sermon reminded me how God adds His "SUPER" to our "Natural".  So I have a part in this. I have to do my part. Then God can add His part. He wants partnership with us.  I know that I would be much rather be hiding behind a mask or trying to maneuver and manipulate things behind the scenes. However, if I do that, then God's power wouldn't be known. I need to prayerfully seek Him and what His will for me to do in this situation. Right now, it isn't clear to me what God wants me to do. But I need to be patient and wait on Him.

So today, when I go with the kiddos to possibly see their mother in the first time in months, I will do my best to be true to who I am in God. I need to be IN HIM to get through this gracefully. I am not perfect. I am fearful. But it is through Him that I will find my refuge and strength.