Exhausted.

I might suggest that I've had the max stress that I can just about handle right now.  Things have been super rough to the point that I might actually be looking forward to having surgery so I can crawl under my blankets and have a reason to not surface. It sounds peaceful. Trying my best to not care about anything.

Cause I do care. I care about to much. I can't find it me to stay quiet on something, especially when it comes to my kiddos.  But I'm exhausted. I'm burnt. I have no energy left to fight the fights. I have no one to fight along side of me, and fighting on your own is tiresome. It's harder. It's lonely. I'm tired of feeling lonely, jealous, hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, upset, tired...  I don't want to do this alone.

I have no earthly escape or earthly comfort for my hurts. I cannot keep up. It's too many fires. The cost is my heart.

Today I watched my heart on an ultrasound.  I heard my heart.  But I couldn't stop thinking about how my heart is hurting right now.  Not like medical pains, but hurts, disappointments, worries.  It's hurting. I feel like I'm falling into a pit that could consume me.