Lately, I've been confronted with not putting myself on my own list. Apparently, I don't take care of myself. I live life where I put myself on the bottom and make sure my family and friends come first. I've been asked why? I've been asked what would happen if you... took better care of myself... decided to make life changes... decided to lose weight... dress a little nicer and less comfortable. Why? Why am I content and stay as I am?
I probably have a billion excuses. Sometimes, when I try to get ahead or make changes, I feel like life sabotages me. Sometimes I have thrown my back out just as I was beginning to get a routine of exercise established. This time, I am supposed to get a bunch of medical stuff done so my doctor can deem me healthy enough to have children, but the money that is supposed to be in my HSA hasn't been deposited -- therefore I can't keep my appointments. Sometimes, I just fall off the band wagon. Sometimes I lose my partner who was going along with me. I even lost doctors and staff and had a difficult time finding new ones and just kind of drop that part for months until I feel like dealing with it.
Maybe I've just been beaten so many times when I've tried that I don't feel like trying anymore. Even when I have lots at stake. Why try? It's just going to not work out right. Maybe it's why I "don't believe". Cause it's me, and my life doesn't work out the way I want it to. I am better off just being me and being comfortable me because then I don't have to fall, or fail. I don't have to be broken or have hopes and dreams dashed. I just accept that this is life.
It's like trying to drive a car up hill but keeping the car in neutral. I'm never going to make it without something pushing me from behind. I know that push has to be God, but He isn't going to push unless I believe and ask for Him to push me. Maybe I just don't feel worthy enough to be pushed. Maybe I'm afraid of what the top of the hill might have in store, it could just be a drastic drop off at the top.
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