Beautiful

"Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed"

~Christina Aguilera: Beautiful

There is a lot of social status in beauty. There is a lot of status in the clothes we wear, our make up, our accessories and even what toys we have.  There is status in your clothing size. There status in where you can shop. People are quick to judge the outside appearance.

Maybe for me, I don't think much of how I look.  When I put make up on, my kiddos ask "hey mom, where are you going?". They know I don't normally just dress up for just any reason. In many ways, I feel invisible by the world. I just try my best to not stand out and instead I just blend in. I don't live in vanity world to say the least.

I think for me, the moment where I figured I didn't care anymore was at a cousin's wedding.  It was a year before I was married.  Another one of my cousins asked me if I was pregnant.  At that point, I wasn't married or even think about children.  It's a scar that has been on my heart for more than a decade. It's been something that has distanced me further from my cousins because it was very painful for me.

As the years past, I cared less and less about my appearance.  It never was a priority.  Therefore healthy choices really weren't a priority, because the two were incorrectly related to each other. I've halfheartedly attempted to make healthier life style changes in the past, but they never lasted long.

Now, I am really beginning to face the reality of my past choices.  I'm need to face my past decisions and really trying to determine why it hasn't been important to me.  Even now, it doesn't seem urgent even thought my circumstances should say that I need to change (like yesterday).

As part of my healthy living changes, I've really been challenged.  I have been forced to think more about:

• What would happen if I made healthier choices?
• What would I lose in losing more weight?
• How come I can live a double standard by telling my children to make healthy choices but I can't?
• How can I tell my daughters they are so beautiful, not just outwardly, but inwardly and not see my own worth?
• How do I not think myself important enough? 

I think I've been blinded to the chains that have held me down and confined me. I have become comfortable in my situation and how I am.  But I am meant for more than this. I am meant for more than just being comfortable. I'm meant to make a difference. I'm meant to be a daughter of God who lives to glorify HIM.  My body is a temple but it's been broken down and falling apart. I haven't done my best to take care of what God has given me.

Like I tell my daughters, "you are wonderfully created -- God's work of art".  Well, maybe I need to tell myself that more. Maybe I need to see the importance that I can have in this life, to not only change my life... but to live longer to change other people's life.

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. ~Ephesians 2:10

Now that I've awoken to the pit around me, I know the lion will be ready to devour me.  He doesn't want me to get out.  God will put me on solid ground. He will give me peace and the strength to make the life changes that I need to.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ~ Romans 8:37 (NIV)