When the choice has already been made...

What to do when the choices before you don't seem like choices? What to do when the choice that is before you has already been chosen for you?  What to do when you feel helpless and can't run from the pain any longer? What to do when you are suffering? What to do when the price seems to high and your fear grips you?

What is it that is said? We are either heading into a "troubled situation" or leaving one? It's a cycle. We can't live in a place that is too happy for long because of the sin in this world.  These past six months have been good to me. Without visitations and limited interruptions from a normal life (like appointments and visits from workers), we could almost feel like a "normal family". It's been nice.  We recently were even assigned an adoption worker.  Before you get super excited, it doesn't mean adoption is for sure, it just means that we can start the home study process and then wait. But it does feel good to have that step in place.

Then after avoiding it, I went to the eye doctor. My bubble has been squashed. The doctor called me again today to say that I have two choices. I can have the eye lid surgery and spinal tap together (if the hospital will agree to it) but then staff doing the eye lid surgery won't be super experienced or I can have them separate. Of course I could refuse and wait and see if I lose all of my vision. Which he informed me -- wasn't really a choice.  Maybe I would feel different if I had to have a procedure to MAKE me feel better.  But I don't have any symptoms.

I just don't want to do it. Everything in my has put up big halt signs and is screaming "NO". "NO GOD!" It is made worse cause my previous experience with spinal taps was also very traumatic. I was sick for a good 4 to 6 weeks. I was so week and felt like dirt. I don't want to feel that way again. No way. Not ever. I have this family to care for. How am I supposed to rest and take it easy? How am I suppose to go to court hearings and have adoption interviews? How am I supposed to handle my PTO roles and get the sock hop off? How am I supposed to be there for my kids events?

That's when I found myself crying out to Jesus. This disease does not have a cure. It doesn't have a fix. It has painful "treatments" that seem to hurt me more than make me feel better -- cause I wasn't feeling bad until I was told I needed a "treatment".  Only God can deliver me from this.

"And he heard the cry of the afflicted." ~ Job 34:28b
  

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus