The "Jolly" Consquence

Maybe I need to listen to myself more. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe. That's all that I am left with.

I spend so much time teaching my kiddos that their are consequences for their actions or inaction. If you are going to hang out with the kid you know gets you into trouble... you will get into trouble. If you don't pick up the dining room table after eating... the puppy has an extra meal... which may lead to a mess later depending on what your impromptu meal might be.

But like my kids, we all like to gamble. Maybe we won't get caught. Maybe it won't happen to us. Maybe this time will be different.  In the end, it's bound to catch up with us one way or another.

Today it caught up with me big time. I have been guilty of not taking care of myself. It's kind of the result of my putting my needs last in the family, not wanting to buy my $100/month medication, and partly thinking that if I don't feel bad then I'm ok. I even put off going to the doctor a few months ago cause I'm feeling ok, right?  So I know that I only have myself to blame. And who knows, I could have done all of that stuff and it might not have ended up any differently... but now I won't know.  I guess I also figured that if I just beat myself up about it enough and promised to change that I could squeak by this time.

Nope. My doctor (who wasn't wearing a Santa hat -- see previous posting) spread his holly jolly mood with me this afternoon by telling me that my optic nerves again look swollen and the only way to know for sure is to order another lumbar puncture. It's really the top five bad news that you could share with me. Only bad news about the hubby, kiddos, family and pets might be worse.  But to me, it's pretty bad. I'm scared of needles. I'm anxious at the doctor's office. I already feel my heart pounding through my chest. The 1st lumbar puncture had to be done under complete anesthesia. This one will need to be to. I'm a chicken at best.

I don't know yet when it will be scheduled. If possible that might do my eye lid surgery at the same time. I doubt that I will have the nerve to go twice. Last time, my wonderful husband barely got me out of the car and into the hospital.

I do count my blessings. Other people with IH suffer so much more than I do right now. I know that my luck can change and I could spend my life in pain. Praise the Lord that my burden is only needles! Please pray for me to have courage.

IH - Intracranial Hypertension  - No Cure