No matter how hard I try, it won't be the same for the kiddos. My kiddos will always be different. Even family and friends who love them will unknowingly harbor those differences. They are my foster children. I did not give birth to them. They do not look like me. They have different backgrounds then other children that we know. They remember things of their past and have many more experiences with life than I even have. Their attitudes and beliefs have been somehow defined by who they have already been in their short existences.
It's a difficult thing for me to live with. I desperately want to see them loved and accepted for who they are. I love them unconditionally. No matter what they mean to me, I cannot force others to view them the same way. Some people suggest that things will be better if or when I can adopt them (if that is even a possibility). I tend to disagree.
My good friend was recently in a severe car accident with her adopted daughter. Her daughter also doesn't look like her mother. She has a different skin color, different hair, different eyes, etc. The EMT that was helping them at the scene of the accident asked my friend more than 7 times, "Madam, what's your relationship with this little girl?". My friend calmly replied, "She's my daughter".
I don't think I would have been as calm as my friend. Her story got me thinking though. This is what my life will continue to be like. Yes, they are my children. Yes, they belong with me. Yes, I know they don't look like me. Yes, I understand that sometimes they have behavioral issues, but you would too if you went through what they have. Yes, I love them.
I know that they may never hold the same special spot with my family as if they children that I had given birth too. Even when family tries to make my children feel welcomed, their are differences. For instance, my children have been with me over one year. Their "grandma" has never once had them on an overnight visit, despite promises to do so, but has had her biological grandson over many more nights within that year than I can count. That same grandma, can have her great nieces and nephews over for overnight visits. Don't get me wrong, "grandma" spends time with the kiddos. She will come over and babysit, if I call. She will watch them when they are sick and I have places to be. My point is though, there are the settle differences. If I notice them, I am sure that my kids notice them as well.
Another "grandma" doesn't have other grandchildren or nieces and nephews. Sometimes, it is just her comments that make me cringe. She sometimes will say she doesn't like their hair a certain way or maybe just make an off comment about something else. It makes them feel uncomfortable and it's typically about things that they cannot change or have any control over.
I guess you might call it a bit of jealously. I think it is just the feeling of hurt and disappointment over my children not being accepted the same to others. I cannot control others in how they treat and respond to my children. I find my peace in that I can love them unconditionally. I will love them for as long as I am blessed to have them in my life and then some. As I have said, they are not my children. They are HIS children.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy, when clouds are gray.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
So please don't take my sunshine away.
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