Some days are just harder...

Some days are just harder than others.  Some days just feel heavier, weighted down. Sometimes even those days just become an entire week.

Urgh. It's been one of those roller coaster days.

I'm tired. I'm tired of turning on my Christmas music and hearing words like "massacre", "burst in" and "suicidal".  It's like every 15 minutes for an ad that wants us to go online and get the most current information on a school shooting that happened a few days ago. By now, you would have to be living under a rock to not have heard what happened in CT. It's awful, and I'm in no way meaning to down play how serious, how tragic or how heartbreaking that situation is. It's just my kiddos don't need that message on repeat every 15 minutes. The situation weighs on me, as I consider the safety in my kiddos' schools. It weighs on me as a mother wondering what kind of world this is becoming.

I also dared to hope a little. I had dared to hope that my kiddo's birth mother might just not file an "intent to appeal" the TPR (termination of parental) decision.  She hadn't filed as of my email from the Guardian ad Litem that was sent to me last week. She had until this week, and I had hoped that maybe this would be my Christmas present. Sadly it was just not meant to be easy for us.  Now that the courts got an intent to appeal, that will trigger the transcripts from the court sessions to be completed.  Currently that takes 3 to 4 months. After they are finished, the defense has another 30 days to file their actual appeal. From there, the courts need to decide if they will hear the appeal or if they will "throw it out".  So our "tentative" adoption date is looking less likely.   Pretty much now waiting for maybe summer. Heck, it would be ironic to adopt a teenager, right?  Oh maybe the biological parent may appeal to the state supreme court. That could be a good time suck too.

If that wasn't enough, my wonderful son is dealing with issues. He misses his best friend. He doesn't understand why he can't see him. He also is dealing with the fact that he can be adopted, but it comes at the loss of his birth mom. He is so anxious and stressed. I wish I could just make it better for him.

Being a momma and seeing your kiddos in pain just hurts. Seeing them hurt themselves is a whole different level of hurt.

I am back to feeling tired. Tired of the pain in this world.

Yet, I lift my head up and I remember... next week is Christmas.  Christmas is all about HOPE!  I so desperately need hope and I don't want to lose my hope.  God can heal the hurting. God can calm the storm. God can make things happen on HIS time and for reasons I just cannot see or understand right now.   I will not give up my hope of our "forever family". I will not give up hope that my son will find healing. I will not give up hope that a community in CT will again have peace, love and will be comforted by God.

Christmas.  It's a season for hope.

Merry Christmas and may each of you be filled with peace, love and hope.