Black and White.
Right and Wrong.
Hot and Cold.
Worthy and Unworthy.
I know that my down fall is seeing things this way. I have a hard time seeing the middle road. I have an even harder time giving up (the illusion of) control. This area continues to come back to me often because I finally let go of something and God gives me another test. It's my mountain. It's my weakness.
My life is currently being thrown some curve balls again. Our caseworker #4 has left the agency. (Yep, I did say FOUR). And instead of getting a new worker, we are being returned to caseworker #3. This has been hard for us for many reasons. There were so many miscommunications and preconceptions. I honestly became very ill from all the stress of working with this worker. Having her return has brought back the stress. We've already had another huge miscommunication issue.
Again, here I am. Realizing that God is putting me back into the rock tumbler. He's working on me again. Reminding me that these kiddos are not mine, but HIS. He has this. It's just so hard. I love them so much. I've wanted them for so long. I'm exhausted of jumping hoops. I don't feel like I can even hold my head up. I don't feel like I can trust anyone with the Bureau. I don't even know if I can trust anyone on our team of professionals. It's isolating. It's frustrating. It's irritating.What feels worse is that we are 6 weeks from going back to court. Maybe less than 2 months from getting a decision from the judge.
I know on my own I don't have the strength to stand in this storm. God knew this storm was brewing. He saw it coming and saw my weakness. He sent me an umbrella. A person to be His messenger. A person who can help me hear what I don't want to hear. It's really amazing, His timing.
It just reminds me so much that God gives and takes away. He has allowed things in my life to help refine me. He has removed things that were taking me away from Him. He has replaced them with people and things that draw me closer to His path. I feel like I was drifted out to sea and God is bringing me back to shore. He is calling out to me to seek Him. He is wanting me to be obedient and listen. Tonight, I'm thankful for a God who is willing to chase me down when I've become lost. I'm thankful for a God who reaches out to me in such a dramatic way... especially giving me this umbrella in the storm.
Lord, thank you for what you are doing in my life. Thank you for being a God who will chase after me when I have drifted away. Thank you for going after my proud heart. I pray Lord that you will take up the reigns in my life. That You, Lord, will sit in the driver seat of my life. I know that the situation with my kiddos and their worker is in Your outstretched hand. I trust You, Lord, to keep my daughter in Your protection. I trust that You will keep Your promises to work for my good and theirs. I have been trying to hold the reigns when they are NOT mine to hold. Fill me with your peace. Fill me with your hope. Amen
“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm 94:18-19 NIV
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