Jealousy

 "Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment" ~Arab Quote

"To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self" ~ Joan Didion

Sometimes I think it is easy to overlook jealousy as a problem. Truth is, somewhere, we all can be a little jealous. Sometimes we can even struggle with it. I used to be very jealous of mothers to be. I am still a little jealous, but at least it doesn't eat me up inside. Each baby shower invite that came just broke my heart. I was angry with God that my time hadn't come. Didn't I wait long enough? It hurt and I cried many times while feeling all alone with the pain. I isolated myself more. I felt like I should have something that other people had. I was very jealous at the stories of how easy it was for other people to have a family. The stories where the spouse could just look at her and get her pregnant... 

Truth be told, I can be a very jealous person. Although along my list of faults, I seem to keep jealousy off the top ten list. (I'm thinking that may need to change). I am guilty of not sharing well with others. I am guilty of wanting my own way and wanting/getting what I want. I am jealous of other people's relationships.  What truly am fearing is that lack of relationship with them... Which is funny because jealousy can push a relationship further and further away. Wanting what they have... wanting to be more like that person... wanting....   jealousy always starts with wanting. It's a discontentment. It's a selfishness.  It's a sin.

I began writing this blog about a different person and situation. But somewhere, I became more aware of how jealousy effects my own life. It's something that I have to work on. But I never did say I was a perfect person.

I will count my blessings. I will remember how I've been blessed. I will recall how God has worked in my life even when I was angry and felt all alone. I will remember that I don't know the "other side's" story and all the details. It may look one way to me, but it may be the tip of the ice berg.