Walk away

I was watching a past episode of Project Runway. It's a show where wanna be designers are creating looks for a run way in a ridiculous amount of time. I like watching the show to see what they are able to create with the limitations that they are given. (I hardly consider myself creative enough to even have my dream self on a show like that). During this episode, a contestant was feeling guilty about making it to the next round. She really felt that Julie (the girl that was kick out the previous week) should still be there because she "wanted it more". So this designer, just walked away from the competition. She said she had enough, she was done, etc.  Apparently this is only the 2nd time in 9 seasons where someone has quit.

What was interesting is how everyone is critical of the choice for her to walk away. Maybe I'm the only one that stays so close to the edge that I can see how she might make that decision. I want to believe that we aren't the only ones. It might not be a competition. However, everyday people walk away from marriages, jobs, friendships, children and families. Many of us stand on the edge thinking about it. Many of us have walked away from something in our life. So why critical? Why do we judge them but think it's perfectly fine if we, ourselves, do it or have done it?  It's like the judging comes natural and not out of concern. 


If we aren't judging we are lecturing. Do this. Don't do this. This is wrong. This is right. Talk talk talk. When I find myself on the edge, I don't want anymore talking. I don't want anymore thinking about it. I've already beaten myself up about everything. My soul is bruised with scars that I have left on myself. Bruises of guilt, shame, disappointment, sadness, depression, loneliness. Sometimes all I want is the comfort that I don't stand alone. I want to know that I am loved despite my downfall. I want a shoulder to cry on and a hug that tells me that everything will be all right, somehow.... even if I am not so sure. 

I need time to grieve my mistakes so I don't just give up. Cause I'm going to make mistakes. I live life with my heart on my sleeve. I am emotional. I am loud. I love. I laugh. I cry. I fail.

This is me. Sometimes closer to the edge, but not willing to walk away from the people that are important to me. I will not fail them like I fail myself. I am not perfect, but God has made me wonderfully and He has good plans for me.